Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is not always easy.  At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. "
-- Marianne Williamson

I am my toughest critic. I'm harder on me than any of you could ever be. I beat myself up over things that I've said, done or thought. I replay scenes in my head  more times than I can count.

I admit, sometimes I mess up. But you do too.  We're all just human. We all have the ability to love and we all have the ability to forgive.

Saying I'm sorry takes a lot of courage. It makes you vulnerable. It's putting yourself out there in front of someone you've hurt. Someone you care about, even love. All in the hope that they can find it in their heart to forgive you.

There are very few things in this world that I think I couldn't forgive. I'm guessing if you slept with my husband that might be one of them. Other than that, I think I could find forgiveness.

Some wise person once said, to err is human. Owning your mistake takes courage. So does forgiveness.

Forgiveness is freeing. Carrying anger weighs us down. Makes our hearts heavy.

Admitting when you've screwed up, no matter how hard, lets us inhale fully. And breath is life. We can inhale  the positive and exhale the negative.

I am human. I make mistakes. I will try and forgive myself. Can you?

Peace and love. 

Work it, girl!

They say there is a first time for everything.  And I would say that generally, I'm up for trying anything once.  I mean, why not? Life's short, you only live once, blah, blah, blah.  So today, I tried something that I've never done before. It's one of those things that looms on the outskirts of my reality.  Something kind of dark, mysterious, a bit naughty even.  Something my mother would surely not approve of. It piqued my curiosity enough to gather three friends together to try it.

Pole dancing.  A tiny bit naughty, wouldn't you agree??

The ladies and I had purchased a Groupon a few months ago and it was about to expire.  So we called Ashley (of course) at Vertical Addition (truth) and signed ourselves up for a beginner class at 9:30am (the sexiest time of the day).

I had visions of the space looking like Scores (not that I've been there), very dark and smokey with a stage and a shiny, gleaming pole front and center with a spotlight shining on it.  Lots of surgically enhanced young, hard bodies contorting themselves into very unladylike positions.  But in fact, it was a fairly plain room with some mirrors and five or six poles bolted into the ceiling.

Besides my ever so fabulous friends, the rest of the clientele was rather plain as well.  With the exception of a rather large woman, who whipped out some knee pads and some sort of half-sock like contraption to make her spin around the pole faster.  Yikes!  She, I can promise you, would not make very much money at Scores!

But between all our nervous giggling, we did pretty well.  The class started out with a "warm up" which included some rather suggestive hip circles and neck rolls (to really get the ponytail whipping around).  She then had us stretching our hamstrings, because no one wants to pull a hammie on the pole!  Finally, we ended our warm up with a full split.  Which, I am proud to say, I was the only one that could do that!!  Thank you yoga practice!  My friends all called me a show off.  :-)

We then took to the pole and learned a basic spin, something called a compass spin, and some sort of crazy floor move that's supposed to look sexy but was really quite a disaster. Finally a move where you pull yourself onto the pole, squeeze REALLY hard with your thighs and, if you're feeling very brave, release your arms out the the side.  Ouch!!  No seriously.  Ouch!!

By this time in the class, we were all hysterical, though trying to be very serious as to not be rude to the other students who were all really serious.  Ashley announces that it's time to dance, like, with the pole. Seriously, I'm not kidding.  It was supposed to be freestyle, using the techniques she showed us and pulling it all together in some kind of hot stay-at-home-mommy meets 50 Shades of Gray routine.  Well...I mean who can keep a straight face??  It was just too much.

By the end of class we all had lots of bruises up and down our legs (which is very sexy), tired arms and a whole new respect for the girls who can really work the pole.

Two of my friends said they'd definitely go back for more.  One even said she wants to put a retractable pole in her bedroom!  I can only envision some kind of epic pole disaster happening and having to explain to the kids why mommy has a traumatic brain injury.

As for me, I think I'll check that off my list of things I've done, not sure about a second class though.

But in the meantime, maybe I'll show off some of my new found skills to Mr. X this evening.  That is, if I don't pull a hammie in the process!!

Peace and love.

Well it's about time!

OK, ok, so I've been a little out of it lately.  A lot out of it actually.  I just looked at the last time I wrote and it was back in September!!  What can I say?  I've been uninspired.  Writers block.  Good thing I'm not trying to make a living at this, I would have lost the house and starved to death by now.

And speaking of starving...

As many of you know, or at least those of you who I see and speak with regularly, I am in a constant battle with 10lbs.  Ten measly pounds.  OK, maybe 12.  Anyway, for a long as I can remember I've been dieting and working out (then not dieting and not working out) all in an effort to rid my middle of 10 pounds.

Let's think about this for a minute.  I'll list all the things that I can think of that are 10 pounds.  Here we go:

1.  my dog
2.  Primo at birth (not quite 9.2lbs.)
3.  my makeup bag
4.  my basket full of dirty laundry
5.  the boys container of miscellaneous Legos
6.  my entire collection of yoga mats
7.  my pile of half-read books

I'm sure there's plenty more but that's what I could quickly come up with.  10 pounds.  The bane of my existence.

So beginning Monday, me and two dozen other brave, competitive (or maybe crazy) people are forming teams to being the Game On Diet.  The basic gist of it is you compete with other teams to earn points based on exercising, eating, drinking (water, not the fun kind), sleeping (yes, sleeping!) and forming heathy habits.  The team that wins gets bragging rights.  Oh and a $25 iTunes gift card. The losing team...well, they're just losers.

I know a few people who have done this and have said that it's really fun and have lost a few pounds too!  So I'm going to give it a try.

Here's the thing about me, I'm really competitive.  So I figure I should be really good at this. Though I am a bit worried about how much water you have to drink each day (3 liters!!!  That's like 90ozs!!). I'm pretty sure I'll have to cancel all appointments over the next few weeks because I'll be in the bathroom peeing.

I will track my progress and report back weekly to give you the highs and lows of this game.

But until Monday, I think I'll just slug around, eating chips and drinking wine.

Peace and love.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

As the cooler days of Fall begin to approach in the Northeast, it's nice to look back and remember all the fun family memories that were made over the summer.  Whether it was a visit to grandma's house, a week or two at the beach or maybe a cabin at the lake, summer always comes and goes far too quickly.

This summer, Primo ventured off for the first time to sleep away camp in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.  All my friends who had been campers themselves back in the day said what an amazing "gift" we were giving to our child.  A gift that he will treasure for years, decades even, to come.

Well I'm here to tell you, it's the gift that keeps on giving!

Oh Primo loved camp, I mean really loved.  The first words spoken to us when we visited on parent's weekend was, "I'm coming all summer next year!"  Um, no.  Three and a half weeks is plenty.  Followed shortly by, "Just so you know, I KNOW things."  He said this with the biggest shit-eating grin I've ever seen.

"Really", I replied, trying to sound unimpressed.  "Like what?"

"S-E-X!", Primo declared.

Mr. X and I had just been discussing on the car ride up to camp what kinds of juicy tidbits he would come home with.  It took about ten minutes to find out.

"And," he said, "I can't believe you have done that!!  TWICE!"

"I also know about all the bases.  And I know that sometimes...you get a home run."

Well there you have it folks.  The gift that keeps on giving.

Again, not wanting to make too big a deal out of it, and trying my hardest to keep from bursting out laughing, I simply said, "Well, just so YOU know, what you have learned may or may not be true. And it's also something that we don't discuss with friends or at school or on the bus.  Got it?"  He assured me that he would keep it to himself. I apologize in advance if any of your children come home with a "gift" from Primo.

In addition to his new found knowledge, he was also given the gift of pink eye, which followed us to the Cape and home again, lingering for about two and a half weeks.  He also picked up some small trinkets like spitting and taking a "ten pacer" (peeing outside everywhere and anywhere, just as long as you take ten paces away from people and houses).  It was an all boys camp.

Now, he didn't just come home with disgusting habits and new found knowledge, he also learned a lot of really great things too. He's a better eater than when he left, actually eating vegetables and salads! He's a much stronger swimmer.  He's more confident and comfortable in new situations.  He also has finally settled into the big brother role with Segundo, being more patient and teaching him new things (no, not that!).

Will I send him back next summer?  You bet! It was an experience that you just can't have at home.

And since it was like Christmas this summer, I'm thinking, how bad could next year be???

Peace and love.

Summer Tip

Summer Tip #563:  Never eat a 5 pound burrito while in your bathing suit sitting poolside.

I made this mistake earlier today.  Okay, it wasn't quite 5 pounds but it was huge!  I mean really huge.  And I ate the whole thing. I was so hungry from working, taking a yoga class and not eating anything all day, that I literally ate every bite of said burrito.  It sure tasted good going down but I felt like a huge lard-ass after I had eaten it.  Buyers remorse.

To make matters worse, Mr. X had snuck in some beers that he had bought while out picking up the burritos. You know that stupid Toby Keith song, "Red Solo Cup"??  Enough said. We are a class act, Mr. X and I.  Truth be told, I didn't even finish mine, it just felt wrong.

Now, let me just say, that we do not belong to a fancy pool.  It's not like we were scarfing down burritos at the country club.  That said, it's also not like we were hanging at a public pool in the Bronx (not that there's anything wrong with the Bronx.  Don't go getting your knickers in a bunch!). Though I bet if we were in the Bronx, I wouldn't have felt so strange about eating a giant burrito!  

I don't know what it is about summer.  Most people eat really healthy in the summer because, in theory, you wear less clothes in the summer.  Me, I eat more in the summer, who the heck knows why.  In any event, the burrito is gone and my stomach feels like a swallowed a bowling ball.

Hope everyone is having a great summer so far.  Please feel free to post any of your summertime tips in the comment section below!

Oh...here's one more.  Tip # 564:  Don't forget to remove your child's half eaten burrito from pool bag when you get home.  I better go do that...

Peace and love.

Fork in the Road

I was recently told by my acupuncturist that I have to stop eating soy.  Um, OK.  You realize that I'm vegan and a good majority of my diet is soy, right?  It's like telling a lion not to eat meat.  Or a fireman not to use water to put out the fire.  What the hell??

Apparently, soy makes your spleen "cry".  And by cry I mean it produces too much mucus in the body and causes stuffiness and sinus problems, all of which I have had for as long as I can remember.  It also messes with your estrogen levels and is generally bad for you.  Which is why parents of little boys shouldn't let them drink more than 8oz. of soy milk a day, or their little boys will grow little boy boobs.  Never a pretty sight on a boy (or grown man for that matter!).

Another thing I found out about soy is that in Asian countries, soy is used as a condiment, like we use ketchup here in the States.  The Asian culture does not eat pounds of soy like we do here. Just like everything else in this country, we have take the use of soy and soy products to an extreme.  Molding soy into shapes resembling real meat products.  Case in point, Tofurkey!  I made one at Thanksgiving (and I have to say, it was good).

So here I stand at a fork in the road.  To the left is to remain on my current diet and just live with the congestion.  To my right is to add back in some other protein sources.  I mean look, there's only so many beans a person can eat.  And too many nuts will just make you fat.  So in the past two weeks I have been eating some shrimp and shellfish.  I've also decided that if I eat a piece of cheese every now and then, it probably won't kill me.  Though dairy has the same mucus producing properties as soy so it should be avoided anyway.

Why am I tell you all of this?  I think because now I wonder if I can even call myself a vegan anymore.  Probably not right??  I guess I'd say that I'm "vegan-ish".  And I'll just have to live with that.

Now instead of being stuffed up, I'll get the gout!

Peace and love.

What's Your Liability?

I spent last weekend at my second of three yoga immersions.  In addition to diving deeper into our physical practice, we began to study and talk more about yoga philosophy.  This is something I know very little about, but am very interested in gaining greater knowledge.  We learned about the seven chakras (pronounced with a hard "ch" sound, not a "sh" sound) and had a lesson about one of the most famous yogic texts called the Bhagavad Gita.

In the midst of our lessons, my amazingly wonderful and wise teacher said this:

"Our greatest asset is also our greatest liability."

Wait, WHAT?!?!?  Pull the emergency break because I need to stop for a second! WOW! That statement completely blew me away.  What an incredibly insightful and profound sentence that is.  We got to thinking and discussing what that sentence meant to each one of us.

So I thought I'd take a few minutes to tell you what I think the greatest asset/liability is in my life.

I'm a giver, a doer, a pleaser.  I am the friend that you want to have because I will always be there for you.  I will stick up for you and defend you no matter what.  I'll also help you if you are in need and go out of my way to make sure that you are OK.  Sounds great, right?  Who wouldn't want to be my friend?  Here's the thing though, because I'm that way, I kind of expect my friends to be that way too.  Which is a lot to expect of people.  And most of the time I'm let down.  Now that's not to say that I don't have friends who I feel like I can trust and know would have my back if I needed.  I do.  I really do.  But there are also people that have been a bit of a let down.

So in my journey to be a good friend (not that it's an effort, I'm just that way), I've begun to realize that just because I am a pleaser, doesn't mean that everyone else is.  And that's on me.  I can't control how other people treat me and I can't expect everyone to like me.  And that's OK.

But when I come back to the statement, "our greatest asset is our greatest liability," I get it.  It's pretty eye-opening and has made me reflect on myself and who I consider my friends, really truly my friends.

Take a moment.  Ask yourself that question.  Really think about it.  You may surprise yourself with your answer. It may shed a little light into your heart.  And open your eyes just a little wider.

Peace and love.